-Verbal Fixations-

Being me

2007-05-13T18:41:00.000+10:00

I'm quite flexible when it comes to being by myself. I can be with other people and be alone. No bragging by the way. [none taken.]Sometimes, I tend to look like I'm alone in my own crowd and I'm not even trying.I don't even notice. Then someone would approach me and ask if there was something wrong or bothering me. It's just me... being me. That's all. I guess I'm like what you call an arbiter.Speaking of observing, there are also circumstances wherein you get to know other people just by looking at them. You get to familiarize with them by the way they dress, they react to another person, they move about. It's totally normal. There are people who are introvert and extrovert at the same time. Believe me, I know some people. Heck, my friends told me that I'm one of such

It has been my habit to hunger myself of people. It's refreshing.Yes sometimes being alone is worthwhile. There are no hassles, no demanded social interactions, no one to bother you, no one to meddle with your decisions or whatsoever, no one to give you crappy opinions, the picture is all yours.Let me reiterate. Take note 'sometimes'. No man is an island.

Tear drop

2007-03-25T07:29:00.000+10:00

Past 7am and i'm sitting feeling hazy and numb. Unable to formulate. Recovering from last nights journey of bass and the aftermath.Slept over at Joey's just to kill time waiting for the come down.The peaking wasn't as imagined.something different,less impressive.oh well. I still had fun with the friends. plus it was Faizal's last stay.See you in June mate!
I must say certain things will always work out fine for others, or their just in luck. Some others just get the heavyload of stress due to inconvinience. Whatever it is,when someone says so of something,ensuring us it must be done.The last thing i want to hear are petty excuses.Inconvinience can really tick me off, yes i'm not known to be considered a patient person. I loathe the idea of waiting, plus it just tires me out even so spoils the moment.Good things come to those who wait? Not clearly in my state of mind, patient has its limits,just before it gets to me.

Especially when it gets in the way of other important duties i must attend to. I need to be in a place where i can have my own space.where i can feel settled. More in place. and in charge. What i am trying to say is..i need to be where im finally contented,my own crib..its fucking taking too long..extention after the other.Been a nomad since February.Life is an adventure,experiencing a life as a nomad was indeed an adventure..( thx heaps to my friends for letting me tumpang muahhh!)..But enough is enough! Its halfway through the midterm. 2 more weeks to go til i can finally move in to lavish Milano apartment.:)

Never would have thought i'd put myself in a wreck after what it had caused me to feel.Nothing but pain. It was a wreck at first. like a room scattered around with layers of clothes and rubbish in clutters.barely able to breath,or live in it felt like your the one in a mess you know. I don;t know how it can be done,but to just play it by ear. The intense, the rush building up, the instinctive fear of emotions ,all it does is make me tremble. Honestly, what i need is my security blanket. So distance now,isn't an issue anymore but a phase i would just need to overhaul .where is he when i need him? ~ what is taking us so long when were just at each others side~

pardon me

2007-02-07T06:36:00.000+11:00

Why doubt now? if you believe love will prevail at length. does it? So here i wait for a knocking on my door.
Why doubt now? . . . new promises, new hopes will be in vain, whether i dont, hope never fails to challenge every step i make. If to be destroyed, or if to blossom with grace .
No point dwelling on the past, but face the future smiling, because weepers never win
Forget the hurt,Forget the pain,replenish the sins
........Today fuck all doubts. I did not look back yesterday, or had thoughts for tomorrow, but was making worth for today. all in a days worth . Ya ya this is also because i got out from the house! I made plans..wuhoo, i rarely do.But i couldn;t laze around at nothing.

hahaaa, those nonsensical jokes/riddles one can think of . had a couple of laughs on the way home with the friends. Food, laughter, nicotine, people watching, ease dropping, war of words, and pit stops. Sinfully fun!

tweak it

2007-02-06T09:35:00.000+11:00

I can't think properly, there is a blockage and it needs some fixxing, or minor tweaking. What is the reason someone can become so happy at one moment, and turn sour the next. The unpredictable emotional unstability i'm going through hasnt helped much. all i have been doing for the past few days was spacing out. Purposely being unavailable not by choice, but because instantly i have the tendency to blow my brains out like a ticking timebomb. so unsettling and improper to say, but what is up with me lately? Felling unweary of myself, but theres just so much happy thought lying around somewhere.

Happy as i seem, but it still feels uncanny . why on earth would a happy child start building flames of intense!.It is like the sky is never blue, sometimes gloomy sometimes bright and shining, immaculately, things seeem near to perfect.I've lost hold of that perfect sky ....i'm gonna go paint a better sky today. and hopefully life today won't be as dull and i shall not look so pale.

I would have been flying that lil red kite somewhere high up there, it unexpectedly got tangled up .now i must go find it, and start back from where i began. you know...because a day does not end, it only starts back at the beginning through the acccomplishments of task and fulfilments of desires one has per day. so today all is about life, my mind, the alter ego , and my inner voice all coming together to play out on this sunny weather. Hopefully she finds a happy ending, to start again.:)

cherry blossom girl

2007-01-24T12:11:00.000+11:00

Thinking of changing my camera. Been asking around whether i could trade it in for a brand new one, but its slim pickens! Can't ask mum, i don't deserve any more spoiling for her. Brothers are right. I can be such a brat! But am getting something done this weekend. Can't wait! Thanks ma!
Even my handphone is so crappy, so easily influenced by other people. I bought it at first because my ex had the same model, and it looked quite techy. Sound quality..bahhh..lousy lousy. I'll need to work when i get back to Melbourne and hopefully save enough for a new one. That is a definate yes.!

A time for changes ey? Mama said ive changed alot, mostly because she was surprised i stayed home more than i goout. haha. It's all good yeah? I enjoy staying home and doing all the house chores, and relaxing as much as i can, even when i don;t need to. My trip home has made me a good daughter. yeay! Much lenient and wayyy easier to carry a conversation with my folks compared to 6 months ago. Like a huge mirror hung in betweeen us, where i would only want to face myself..to pond over my own reflection and what goes in my own world. But yea. I'm changing for the better.I hope.

Nothing is static, in time, something good will turn up when you least expect it to, even better when you look forward for it. In a short span of time, you're able to juggle around and pick up the pieces and starting from now i;m trying my best to piece them together..so i see what i like, when i can say, ahh complete! Pointless to say much now, a girl can only dream, and yes! being a Pisces, i will dreammm till it comes true. blesssed the child:)

Obsession

2006-09-22T06:46:00.000+10:00

What is a kind of obsession?
is it fascinantion caused by every question?
locked in a cage, at this tender age.
if i swung from a noose, i could finally let loose.
like a lamb to the slaughter, slit my throat you ourta.
What is it about obsession
is it the sex that i long for like a fix?
the amusement that got me trippin like it was a drug.
put a dagger through my heart, so it wouldn\'t break apart.
what is the cure for such obsession?
Is it the emotions im havin a hard time acceptin?
Groping in the dark for understanding of my heart.
put a bullet in my head, so my thoughts can be at rest.there i would erase or block out all messes.
in the end, the obsession that everyone yearns for, is the only obsession that keeps them running out of their head.

Philosophy savvy?

2006-08-22T08:39:00.000+10:00

A long week has gone by keeping myself out and about with several activities. Went to this bookstore in Lygon street, btw it is an italian precinct with everything italian you can find, especially the cafes and restaurants. Yummy! Got a couple of books. Yes i have a new found liking for Philosophical books/novels, hence taking it as part of my elective subject. I;ve always had an admiration for philosophy, how people see the world and other circumstances of ourselves in a more abstract and subjective manner. But trust me, it is far more elusive than that, reading and understanding each and every implications and theories kept my head spinning, ?~@#$,but then i truly have understood why it meant alot to me. For a fact that it changes how i adapt to life, and my own reasonings. Touchy touchy! I am not smart, but seriously, getting into a philosophical mindset takes you in higher levels of consciousness, fondly making you feel smart -superior , especially when i am able to share my thoughts on this subject with a few friends here..:)

Uni work is piling up, thank god i have put my procrastinating habits aside *pats shoulders*....til there is nothin to do, Mondays til Wednesdays are just lectures and tutes, for the past 2 weeks, ive been chilling or what i call havin sleepovers at the boys place. It does feel like my 2nd abode.har har...well, i don't have a place to call home here, so i kinda feel as though their place is. The boys are great...their all great in their own way.....making me feel warm and in place.
i;m sooooooooooooo fcuking brokeee .....i would prolly eat rumput for the rest of my days till September comes. *sob sob*. But i;m definately splurging on Yoji Biomehanika next month! Can't wait to hear his pounding grooves...again, my cadets would be jelous once kot..keke.

I already miss the comfort and euphoric feel of the other cradle...for many many reasons..sigh
Bet im wishing i was sinking my soul in it right now.

Back to thoughts, again i have so many of em, and here i wrote another new entry. I call it Thoughts of a mindless girl..you guessed right! heeeeee..enjoys!

Here is some food.
Food for thought.
You think on a daily basis.
It is a human thing.
You can't help it but you think.
Thinking is what makes us human.
What proves that we are alive.
Proves that we have some sort of intelligence.
But for what?

We prove our intelligence.
We don't prove that our senses are working.
We don't prove that pain, sorrow, happiness, exists.
We don't prove that we feel it.
We don't prove that it rushes like adrenaline through our veins.
We don't prove to shake as it implodes us from the inside.
We don't prove that it kills.

Are we afraid to prove that we are more than human?
Are we afraid to prove that we are like everyone else?
It's hard to accept that theres people in this world like ourselves.
Hard to accept that people love you because you're just like them.
However there is a race.
Not a race against the clock.
Not a race that will earn our discrimination.
A race that exists.